Some Witty Quotes You Can Use in Conversations and Writing, from Mark Twain

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).”

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

“′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read.”

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

“Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography.”

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

“Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.”

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.”

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.”

“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.”

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.”

“If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.”

“Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.”

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.”

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

“The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.”

“Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”

“You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?”

“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. ”

“The secret to getting ahead is getting started.”

“History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

“I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.”

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